You're a Great American

Gee, I love my Country, and the Flag, and the Judicial System, and the Federal Government.

I love the National Security Agency, the Central Intelligence Agency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms; I love the War on Terror and the War on Drugs and the War on Poverty

(Kill those penniless bastards!).

I have a big Stars and Stripes flag decal on the window of my automobile.
It was made in China, but it says “Don’t tread on me” along the side, in vertical printing, interwoven with a snake.

Most of all I love the President. I love him with all my heart, and I want to dispel any rumors otherwise. I love his dimples and I love the armies of attorneys and lifetime politicians who jump to his defense every time he’s accused (by traitors) of violating the Constitution of the United States of America.

The President is brilliant, and cute to boot. It would be a privilege to accompany that cowboy anywhere. He’s an accomplished orator and a pleasant person. I’d even take him to the local screening of Brokeback Mountain if he wanted, for policy purposes of course, (because banning gay marriage will reduce the deficit, somehow, and lower the price of gas).

Plus, it would qualify as a tax write-off.

Love the sin and hate the sinner, that’s what they say.

Oh wait.
I think I got dyslexic there.
Must be some problem with the educayshonal systim.
(Butt eye past all my ITBS tests! With nu ottomatic grayding sistms. Teechers are pade to mush.)

I think the country should just do whatever the President says, like Brittney Spears said.
I heard on the news her husband is pissy because she hasn’t lost the weight that she gained from having the baby.

We’re really in a war, and that means the President gets special authority.

Like the Divine Right of Kings, kinda. Even though the Congress hasn’t declared war. They never declare war. But somebody’s gotta get the job done. We know the French won’t do it. They’ll just talk about inspections and diplomacy and due process and freedom of speech. The damn intellectuals.

By the way, another thing I like about the President is he helps to teach me Geography.

I learned where Kuwait is (kind of) when I was a boy scout in the early 1990s under the other Bush. Bill Clinton’s two terms taught me where Kosovo is (kind of) and where Somalia is (sort of). Clinton mostly taught other courses.

Under our current President, I know where Afghanistan is (near Iraq), and where Iraq is (next to Kuwait). I’m pretty sure where Iran is (near Iraq, and near Syria too.) And a bunch of other countries around there, where people have names that end in things like “Ben al Aziz,” with prime ground for oilfields, pipelines and/or other projects.

North Korea is way over to the East, near China and Vietnam. Japan is over there somewhere too. We dropped two Atomic Bombs there, so the history books say, and now they are our friends. And Russia is big to the North, with a bunch of other little countries and that pesky Europe.

Oh yeah, Israel is in the Middle East too. I guess my geography isn’t all that great. I really remember the places we bomb the best. There is some continent called Africa somewhere, but . . . there are communists in South America. And they have Drugs!

I support the troops.

I’ve got a magnet on my car.
It is yellow and shaped like a ribbon.
It says “Support the troops.”
I do.

Sometimes, people ask me, “If you support the troops, why don’t you go fight?”

And I say, “I do support the troops.”

And if they persist, I tell them that I work in an important business, and a lot of people depend on me, not only my wife and three children but 13 employees, and that I can best serve my country in my current post.

“My cousin served,” I say, “and my friend Paul too, and my Father and my Grandfather in their own times, and I would go, but I am too much needed here. So I do what I can to support the troops from home. (I sell life insurance.)

But most people don’t ask, and I’m glad. Most people have yellow ribbon magnets too.
They support the troops.

Some have red magnets and pink magnets and multi-colored magnets for other causes.
They support the Fire Department and Breast Cancer Awareness and Gay Pride.

I wear red, white and blue underwear.

I don’t question authority. I respect authority.
We’re all on this boat together, so we’ve got to make sure it sails smoothly.
In other words, don’t rock it.

I talk LOUDLY, and I carry a big stick.
And if The Terrorists ever cut through my back yard, I’ll smack ‘em good.

And if The Government listens to my phone calls without warrants or detains me at the airport;
If they search my home in secrecy and put me on a list of enemies;
If they make mistakes to keep us free;

I’ll know it’s done only for my own security,
Because I love my country.

I’m a Great American.